中文

凌晨两点，我终于决定放过自己，关上屏幕。我的手指抵在电源键上，却迟迟没有按下。我看向Chrome里，被塞在分组里的一个个标签页，密密麻麻。像极了在某次旅行的早上，高峰期拥挤时，我从酒店的窗户里端详的下方车流。拥挤，沉默，不知去向何方。那一刻，我感觉我不是在看车流，我就是那片车流本身，被困在生活的早高峰里。

这不只是我过去一两个月的浏览记录，更是我杂乱无章思想的化石切片。

一股寒意涌上心头。我猛然觉得，我并不是完整的、统一的“我”，而是79块分裂的、混乱的“我们”。

我要发掘这些化石。

“未来的我”纪念碑

• ArduPilot , 这是一套开源自动驾驶软硬件解决方案。宣称能够实现从遥控车到人造卫星的自动控制。它在乌克兰的蛛网行动中发挥了重要作用，那场行动中乌克兰的无人机摧毁了41架俄方轰炸机和预警机，足以当作现代战争的教科书级范例。我打算制作智能小车，想用它进行控制。
• 分部积分法，维基百科上的高数概念。这是我在期末周临时抱佛脚速成高数时，绝望地发现上学期的概念被忘得一干二净，而后做出的垂死挣扎。
• 少数派两篇关于自学的文章，1 2。其核心观点是明确目标，分解步骤，实践性学习和可检验的阶段性成果。不幸的是，尽管深感认同，但拖延作祟下的我始终无法付诸实践。不过，半个月前，我把它们的观点提取编写成了prompt，让LLM为我制定日语学习计划。它建议通过听哆啦A梦在手机上打字幕来练习日语，再写简单的感想，我觉得这能解决多邻国学习缺乏反馈和实践的问题。但...这个计划现在还是躺在那里。
• 自建的Readeck服务。自建完成但始终没有投入使用，因为我的初衷是把它和rss客户端配合使用，但不知道怎么实现集成。又是拖延作祟。

也许，追求理想的道路总是如此消耗心神。精神的引力，不可避免地，会将我拉向另一个更温暖、更直接的橱窗前。那里陈列的，是无需努力就能获得的、原始的快乐。

“欲望的我”展示柜

• 全裸登校系列插画(NSFW)，咲凛玖老师的经典作品。学生+白丝+贫乳+群像+露出...所有的点都狠狠戳中了我这个萝莉控的xp。
• 许久没有打开的小说网站。我发现自己极易沉迷网络小说，而且它们毫无价值。这是造成我“晚晚睡”的主要因素之一。为了避免这种情况，我使用AdGuard Home屏蔽了主要的几个网站，效果显著。
• 几个碧蓝档案的抽卡建议。一个月没玩碧蓝档案了，卡牌游戏对我还是缺少了吸引力，容易厌倦，而且卡池出金率太低了。但碧蓝档案的剧情很有意思，不落俗套，详略得当，有让人放松的日常，有能会心一笑的幽默，有人性的复杂多变，我想我会把它玩完或者看完。
• 某地轨道交通图。很喜欢看线网纵横交错，四通八达。闲极无聊时也会坐地铁四处转转，顺便观察一下不同年龄职业神态的人类。地铁高度准时、线路严格固定、不会堵车、平稳快捷，这让我十分安心。
• Cloudflare，HestiaCP服务器面板，Vercel，Google搜索控制台，博客后台... 我喜欢云服务器，除了自建各种服务和网站的实用价值，还有情绪价值——在某个遥远的地方，有几台物理或虚拟的服务器专属于我，随时待命，我罪恶的大手伸到了数千公里外(某人原话)。

这个躲在‘欲望’橱窗后的我，与那个在‘纪念碑’前抱着高数垂死挣扎的我，仿佛来自两个不同的星球，却共享着同一个深夜。这种割裂感，既荒谬，又无比真实。

“好奇的我”的迷宫

• 主要是维基百科的词条。范围极广，从树脂大戟到实验小鼠，从阿联酋航空到多里斯·米勒号航空母舰，从寿司到马奶酒。我喜欢看不懂的东西，喜欢每次遇到不了解的内容就在新标签页打开，然后就有了一大堆标签页。
• 几个维基百科与知识相关的页面。包括飞行操纵面、仪表着陆系统、空中浩劫等，以及FAA飞行手册等资料。最近一段时间喜欢看航空、空难相关的知识，还喜欢模拟飞行。征服天空无疑是很酷的。

但好奇心并非总是通向壮丽的蓝天，有时它也会误入一片未知的迷雾，那里藏着因未知而生的恐惧。

“恐惧的我”防空洞

• 贝京主义，以色列对敌对国家发展核武器的先发制人应对政策。与俄罗斯入侵乌克兰不同，以色列空袭伊朗很难被直接认定为侵略。那么防御性自卫到底如何定义？先发制人的策略会不会促进极权国家的扩张主义？
• Atrial fibrillation，妙佑关于房颤的介绍。身体的不适，对疾病和未知的恐惧，驱使我寻找一个确定的答案,仿佛多了解一点，就能多一分掌控感，所幸此症状不代表疾病，也许只是作息混乱导致的。不过这种东西看多了，总会有点医学生综合征，那么无知会是福吗？

与七十九个自己的和解

凌晨的考古终于接近尾声，检查完这些化石，巡视了所有的自我。我有些疲惫，尽管它们不算混乱不堪，反而有些丰盛。

我决定与自己们和解。

正是这一个个琐碎的、矛盾的、未完成的标签页，构成了那个积极探索的我，那个拖延成性的我；那个寻求上进的我，那个安于现状的我；那个超然物外的我，那个贪财好色的我。最终，构成了一个复杂、立体、真实的“拼好人”。

我关闭了屏幕，让七十九个自己，一同入睡。

本文使用LLM进行润色和翻译，无杜撰事实，所有aigc内容经检查无误。

English

At two in the morning, I finally decided to give myself a break and turn off the screen. My finger rested on the power button, yet I hesitated to press it. I gazed at the countless tabs in Chrome, crammed tightly into their groups. It was just like the morning traffic I had once observed from my hotel window during a trip, a congested stream of vehicles at peak hour. Crowded, silent, with no clear destination. In that moment, I felt I wasn't just watching the traffic; I was the traffic, trapped in the morning rush of life.

This wasn't just my Browse history from the past month or two; it was a fossil slide of my chaotic thoughts.

A chill ran through me. I suddenly realized that I am not a single, unified 'I,' but rather 79 fragmented, chaotic 'us.'

I must excavate these fossils.

Monument to My "Future Self"

• ArduPilot, an open-source hardware and software solution for autonomous vehicles. It claims to enable the automatic control of everything from RC cars to satellites. It played a significant role in Ukraine's "Operation Spiderweb," a textbook example of modern warfare where Ukrainian drones destroyed 41 Russian bombers and early warning aircraft. I plan to build a smart car and want to use ArduPilot to control it.
• Integration by Parts, a concept from advanced mathematics on Wikipedia. This was a last-ditch effort made while cramming for my advanced math final, when I discovered in despair that I had completely forgotten the concepts from the previous semester.
• Two articles from sspai.com on self-learning, 1 and 2. The core ideas are to define clear goals, break down steps, engage in practical learning, and have verifiable milestones. Unfortunately, despite deeply agreeing with these principles, procrastination always got the better of me, and I never put them into practice. However, two weeks ago, I extracted their ideas into a prompt and had an LLM create a Japanese learning plan for me. It suggested I practice Japanese by listening to Doraemon and transcribing the dialogue on my phone, then writing simple reflections. I feel this could solve the lack of feedback and practice in Duolingo. But... the plan is still just sitting there.
• My self-hosted Readeck service. I had set it up but never actually used it, because my original intention was to pair it with an RSS client, but I never figured out how to integrate them. Procrastination strikes again.

Perhaps the pursuit of ideals is always so draining. The gravity of the spirit inevitably pulls me toward another, warmer, more direct storefront. Displayed there is the primitive pleasure that requires no effort.

Showcase of My "Desirous Self"

• The "Attending School Fully Nude" illustration series (NSFW), a classic work by the artist Sakurin. Students, white stockings, flat chests, group scenes, public exposure... All these elements perfectly catered to my kinks as a lolicon.
• A novel website I hadn't opened in a long time. I find it incredibly easy to get addicted to web novels, and they are utterly worthless. This is one of the main reasons I go to bed so late. To avoid this, I used AdGuard Home to block the major sites, and it has been remarkably effective.
• A few Gacha recommendations for Blue Archive. I haven't played it in a month. Card games still lack a certain appeal for me; I get bored easily, and the drop rates for rare items are too low. But the story of Blue Archive is very interesting—it avoids clichés, is well-paced, has relaxing daily life segments, humor that makes you smile, and explores the complexities of human nature. I think I will finish playing it or at least watch the story through.
• A local metro transit map. I love seeing the intricate, crisscrossing network of lines reaching in every direction. When I'm bored, I sometimes ride the subway around, observing people of different ages, professions, and expressions. The subway is highly punctual, follows a fixed route, never gets stuck in traffic, and is smooth and fast, which I find very reassuring.
• Cloudflare, HestiaCP server panel, Vercel, Google Search Console, my blog's backend... I love cloud servers. Beyond the practical value of self-hosting various services and websites, there's an emotional value—somewhere far away, there are a few physical or virtual servers dedicated to me, on standby at all times. My villainous hand reaches thousands of kilometers away (in someone's words).

The me hiding behind this "desire" showcase and the me struggling with advanced math before the "monument" feel as if they are from different planets, yet they share the same late night. This sense of fragmentation is both absurd and intensely real.

The Labyrinth of My "Curious Self"

• Mainly Wikipedia entries. The range is vast, from Euphorbia resinifera to lab mice, from Emirates airline to the USS Doris Miller, from sushi to kumis. I like things I don't understand, and I have a habit of opening a new tab for every unfamiliar term I encounter, which results in a massive pile of tabs.
• Several Wikipedia and knowledge-related pages. Including flight control surfaces, instrument landing system, Air Crash Investigation, and materials like the FAA Airplane Flying Handbook. Lately, I've been into aviation, air disasters, and flight simulation. Conquering the sky is undeniably cool.

But curiosity doesn't always lead to magnificent blue skies; sometimes it wanders into an unknown fog, where fear born of the unknown lies hidden.

The Air-Raid Shelter of My "Fearful Self"

• The Begin Doctrine, Israel's policy of pre-emptive strikes against hostile nations developing nuclear weapons. Unlike Russia's invasion of Ukraine, it's difficult to directly classify Israel's airstrikes on Iran as aggression. So how is defensive self-defense truly defined? Could a pre-emptive strategy actually encourage expansionism in totalitarian states?
• Atrial fibrillation, the Mayo Clinic's introduction to AFib. Physical discomfort and the fear of illness and the unknown drove me to search for a definitive answer, as if knowing a little more could give me a greater sense of control. Fortunately, these symptoms don't necessarily indicate a disease and might just be due to a chaotic schedule. But reading too much about these things can lead to a bit of medical student syndrome. In that case, is ignorance bliss?

Reconciling with My Seventy-Nine Selves

My archaeological dig in the early hours was finally coming to an end. Having inspected these fossils and visited all my selves, I was a bit weary, though I found the collection not so much chaotic as it was... abundant.

I decided to make peace with all my selves.

It is these trivial, contradictory, and unfinished tabs that constitute the me who actively explores, and the me who is a chronic procrastinator; the me who strives for self-improvement, and the me who is content with the status quo; the me who is detached and philosophical, and the me who is driven by greed and lust. Ultimately, they form a complex, three-dimensional, and real "patchwork person."

I turned off the screen, and let all seventy-nine of my selves fall asleep together.

This article was polished and translated with the help of LLM. No facts were fabricated, and all AIGC content has been verified.